Why do women bring down other women !

 An interesting question had popped up in one of the story ( Instagram one and not the Bollywood potboiler or the ongoing pandemic ) , it was why do women bring down other women and as always I couldn’t keep from replying and then this article came into being . A highly addictive web series is on , its called Churail and its airing on ZEE5 . In no way is this a paid sponsorship , all I ask for is good coffee and some cake . Do watch it and its the same psyche all over , men astray and have affairs and the wives wish to take revenge , in some cases prevent ..and so forth . I don’t want to let the plot out . Why do women talk, bitch , gossip , moan about other women , why are they nasty , why are they jealous , why are they envious?

I feel it comes out because of a lot of reasons ,women have pre designated roles to play in the society , their families . We are social selves and we have defined roles that pressurise us , which in turn lead us to having duality . Women are relationship oriented ,where we will strive to build bonds always and that’s an be seen as a threat to other women as they are also trying to build their relationship but feel threatened as they feel you are better . It stems from low confidence , lack of self esteem or anxiety . We also pick up more intuitively the body language of people around us and know the nuances faster . 

We have always wanted the approval of others , call it genetic conditioning or the fact millions of years of being subservient and seeking the stamp from men have made us like this. How many of you do things for yourself ? It is always to seek a yes from people , society , co -workers, colleagues ,boss, in laws , children , husband . The constraints and rules are laid down in black and white , but they are unwritten , invisible and handed down generation after generation . It’s the good girl conditioning . I also feel that our culture focuses on appearances , beauty , weight . We believe that our outward appearances are more important than our lived appearances.

It’s shallow world, yes , hence women judge . It’s a simple equation that women try to win or leverage their position in front of the male and they will bring down the other because of jealousy . A jealous person can have it all, cars , money , clothes , every materialistic possession but the they get jealous of your vie , your essence that cant be contained . Their is an energy , an aura, a glow that cant be matched by them hence they talk, or bring you down to a lower level and that can be use mere gossiping or commenting and to sow a seed of doubt.

Look around you , you are always judging , oh why is she fat , why is she not taking are of herself , why is she wearing that color, why is she posting so many pictures , why is she doing this? Instead , how many of you say good for her , maybe she needs help , how many reply on each other’s posts , or compliment or build her up , or build and adjust her crown so she may shine higher , better . 

When ever , someone gets assaulted , raped or acid is thrown , we will rush to judge and say oh she wore short clothes , why was she walking alone , why was she doing this? In the web series , its the woman who is entrapping the man , the poor man has no say , he just gets into an affair . It’s not his fault . The woman is blamed as if the man just lies down like a mummy (pun intended ) .

I would just like to say we have a hidden power , and collectively we have impact  and we can change everything . Traditionally we are told to be competitive because the best woman wins and they’re are a few jobs at the top. 

Women have faced an unconscious bias always , just shown in Gunjan Saxena , and yes by challenging the traditional roles we can break the stereotypes and that can only happen if we support each other. Just start by being kind , and having a voice together . Don’t demoralise, demean or bring her down , she also needs a shoulder to lean on. Being threatened by her isn’t going to help. And ‘ her success is not your failure ‘.

Acceptance

 Acceptance 

This word is a verb that means to say yes to something or to agree to something or agree to take something that somebody offers you . I did a podcast on acceptance of oneself and specifically my nose . Growing up as a young girl we all faced subtle and not so subtle hints that she has a fat nose, a pakora nose , or its too big and for me I was told it looked like Frontier Gandhi or it was a parrot nose .You know what , these moments stick and they do affect one subconsciously . The trauma a young girl goes through just because Auntyji and Uncle ji are bored and they want to fill the conversation gaps? And suddenly you are told it would be difficult for you to get marred just because you aren’t fair enough or heaven forbid you are fat or short or you have wiry  curly hair. They will give you 101 reasons. Indians or Asians are in general very judgemental and we have an opinion on everything and you know the nose I am talking about ; that’s the one they stick into everyone’s business. It’s longer than Pinocchio . 

Imagine that people are vehlato discuss your nostrils too ! I wish I could attach an emoji here but ...nothing else matters sadly , its a world that lays more emphasis on the physical manifestation and the outer cover. The only nose that launched a thousand ships was Cleopatras ( this is a reference to Asterix, and if you know , you know ). And the only other one that history registered was Julius Caeser’s who was her lover.

I did the podcast just because I had two memes . One was that if I could contour my nose I would rule the world and the second one was “ I think accepting your nose is the greatest form of self love” .

Girls , women , older women all have to constantly battle to prove their own worth in terms of color , shape of our eyes, hair ,body shapes and even in some countries the size of your feet , neck , waist to hip ratio . What about the beautiful soul that resides and beats inside and wants to be a bad ass entrepreneur or a businesswoman or a politician or a pilot or a master chef or just someone who wants to be or is waiting for their letter from Hogwarts? Why is the pressure to be successful? Why can’t we just be or live life simply?

The constant societal pressures that weighs / measures you by the success that you have in terms of position , money , the clothes should wear, appearances you project . Along the way , we start trying to put ourselves in a mould to be liked to be accepted by others and more than often it is physical . The society judges us by Soorat and not be Seerat . 

Men / young men, boys can be so cruel . One listener came back and told me that growing up in school one gets used to the constant teasing , heckling , teasing and then you try and get invisible . When you later go to university the comments get cheap , nasty as your physical attributes are dissected one by one , head to toe , its sickening . And she says, ‘ the boys actually put a value on what can be given to have sex with you or patao or have a setting , and it can be done for 1.5 to 2 lakhs and the crudeness is that ‘ eh kudi at ek killa di maar hai “ . To, ‘ eh mundiayn naal gall Kardi hai , that means she can talk to me and she is available?

Which God forsaken country  and language decided this? How is it that if a girl talks to you , it means she is interested in you. Or it’s acceptable to take it that she is available? Is she a bus seat to be occupied by your tush?

All the boys here she talks about are well educated , and belong to good families. It takes one line to bring a girls reputation down and what ever she says no one will believe her. It’s their words against hers and more often we will take out some flimsy excuse that she wore suggestive clothes , look at her profile or she talks too much .. 

When were all these crimes ? Why do you get intimidated? Why are you feeling threatened by her?

So , she grows accepting all this knowing that she will be judged , ridiculed or rejected on the basis of the pattern of her physical attributes! There are of course kind men who are different from this norm , but they are a few .

I wish in these Covid times , the world would be kinder to us , where we all are eating ourselves silly , so that the aliens could come and have a banquet and feast upon us. As a parent of two , all I can in the end give is my two cents or in my case two books is that give them so much love , kindness and be supportive so that they can come to you and be honest . Embrace them as they are , do not be judgemental and be ready to fight their battles like a mother dragon . Tell them that the snap chat filters, and the standards of fashion do not  dictate the worth of her . Getting married , having children and having the right khandaani Munda is not the answer to her existence . She should not be bartered that if she gets married , the nose piercing and the trips abroad will happen or she will get the designer stuff .

Honey she is a part of you , treat her now , spoil her now , let her be a princess now and also give her confidence to fly by accepting her for what she is . You , the parents are her backbones and you had her , it wasn’t a favour for the world . So own it .

Ps : Just as I finish writing this , two unidentified boys eve teased a girl that she got involved in a road accident and she died and she had just won a 4 cr scholarship to the US . However , in the end she was just a young girl who who was saying no and we weren’t accepting her No. 

Ravneet Sangha .