What lies within...

This universe is not outside of you.

Look inside yourself; everything that you want,

You already are.

Rumi

We keep on searching for answers, solutions for every little thing in our lives, ignoring the one and only truth. Every day countless people will go to astrologers, readers of the destiny via tarot cards, palmists, some one who will decipher your line and the latest is where they scan your palm when you have downloaded an app for X amount of money and the daily forecast is given to you. We wear colors for the day, align our days according to the stars and try to influence the destiny that has already been written for us. I am guilty too. I have tried everything and searched to find answers for whatever troubles or what I think ails my fears or me.

I would defiantly say now, nothing works, whatever has to happen will. We are mere puppets whose strings are with a higher force. Some are cynical, will scoff at what I say and some will say it’s a passing phase, but I wonder how long do we continue to say we are young, we’ve lived the odd 40 years on this planet and are approaching the final frontier and the final, inescapable truth.

All what we search is within you, its just a matter of being quiet and letting the outer mindless chatter not affect you or bother you. Easier said than done, nor does it happen overnight, there isn’t a calm pill that you pop in that you get this, nor does one clear the levels in a game and reach the pinnacle. A bird sitting on a branch does not worry about falling she lays trust on her wings to fly. We need to trust, and to believe in the inborn instinct we all have. Listen to it, it speaks the truth and it’s this truth that is His guidance. We fear, fear itself and this imaginary anguish has caused more heart break and failure combined than attempts.

In the end, we would go anywhere and learn, read scriptures, do penance, but until it His will, or razaa as my dear friend from across the border says, nothing can happen. This is an interesting word, razaa means will. Everything is pre ordained, pre ordered and willed by Him. Hence, we might go to the corners of the earth but the light lies within us and only  sparks when He wishes. It can happen and it cannot. We can pretend that we are enlightened but only when we submit to Him does the inner journey start.

Autumn is here ..

Autumn is here; there is a sense of fragility in the air. Leave are changing color, finally to shed and leave the trees bare to herald winter. The weather is changing, we have days that are hot and a sense of unease prevails and the mornings and the evenings become pleasant and it’s the best time to be in Punjab. The slight chill, the gentle wind, the moon gazing down but a slight ominous feel is felt. The wistful, magical weather that is there these days is also mysterious and is a sign of the change of the times.

I feel it, when I see a role reversal, we all are getting old and so are our parents, uncles, and aunts and loved ones. I see the gait getting slower, the steps are measured and one can see the slowing. This makes me vulnerable, and suddenly I see the shift and the balance tilting to us.

When did we reach this? It’s just too sudden, and it’s staring in the face. It was only yesterday; that I was the youngest there was a complete hierarchy with my grandparents, parents and then us. And, Now its changed, we became parents, our parents are the grandparents and our children are us .

The wheels of time, move on not waiting for anyone, anything. We, think we are untouched, even I do. I think this is not going to happen to my parents or me and all whom I love will be there.  It’s just not meant to be. In fact, we are so busy in this crazy virtual haze ridden world where life is reduced to a keyboard and what we emote there is the gospel. Life is measured with moments that can be uploaded, shared valued only of the picture is perfect, and we are in sync wearing the best showing the best. We as a generation are caught up as the Facebook oldies, instagram user but young for snap chat and its antics. I mean the frames are beyond me and frankly posting a picture with those flowers crowning me or becoming a dog or having weird things accentuating me is. Well lets a bit too young for me. Any ways, my boys call me mata ji and I revel in it!

I think we all have a young and an old spirit in us, I seem to have imbibed both of it and right now with the achy feet, bony knees (genetic I am sure), hair that went rogue and has a mind of its own bordering to an eccentric grey and stark white with a penchant for fantasy books, magic, gory gruesome murder and fiction, I suddenly feel I have to grow up.

Autumn is symbolic of change, of letting go and letting the next season come. It is when the leaves fall and it’s the time for rest before the new cycle starts. Isn’t it symbolic in us too? All our lives we keep on building, collecting, hoarding reaching a pinnacle counting our success by the ‘things ‘ it and we owns all measureable in the material things we have.  And, one day we start to de-hoard, we start to give way knowing that the time is coming, and success and happiness is measured by the moments we have, by the people who are our tribe, who have your back, who smile when they hear your name and who make time to talk to you even if they are busy. Busy in fact doesn’t exist for them, when it you on the line. That is success that is true happiness when someone cares about your crazy coffee habits, your chaat, and momos and would buy you books no matter what or where they are.

Invest in them; this is what is going to make us tide the winter. They would help you face the next step. A role reversal is happening and its not the bigger change that we sense worldwide with the climate upheaval, with nature telling us she’s angry or the really fragile political peace that can be unraveled in a Nano-second, it’s when we realize that we are comfortably middle aged and old, ready to don the next role. Autumn is here , but are you ready or are you lulled by the bright sun that stuns and fazes you into a false summer promising eternal youth .

English 2 Winglish

I don’t think the real threat to is the blown out of proportion drug addiction theory that the government in power or the opposition tries to fob us as the problem with Punjab. Ok, after you all settle down and catch a breath after shouting at me, the real problem is the mushrooming of these fly by night, shady operators who sell the phoren dream to the youth promising greener, richer pastures abroad promised with money and a permanent residency abroad and then immigration for the family and a deliverance from the poverty in Punjab.

Stop and consider, why is this happening? What has happened that is making everyone pledge their negligible savings, there gold and anything they own to finance these educational schemes. In a state where English isn’t taught in the government schools till the third standard and they have guides to translate, mug the chapters and answer by rote, the youth goes bewildered to a fancy English sounding name course center where a young attractive girl confuses, confounds and sells the dream.

I am a witness to this. The names are all a play on winning the ultimate dream. It starts with scoring high in the band with (not to be confused with music or anything else) to secure admission in a college university and then to apply for a visa and get this and fly away. This is sold as a complete package and the children get sucked in thinking this is the way they will be modern and can secure the elusive admission. The names are bizarre, from English 2 Winglish, Sophia’s English, The Daily Planet, English Planet and the popular ones are all a subtle play on pun, psychological to impress you.

I face this situation on a daily basis where young boys and girls are dropping a year of college to join these institutions, crash courses and change their fortune. It’s not a play of dice that you score a six and go forward in life. Till we don’t live in the present, and start changing the educational system, roping in MNC’s, proving we are the agricultural provider to the country or again harping that we suffered because of militancy isn’t going to get us anywhere.

You know, I wish we would all suck it and stop living in a false Punjabi bravado; we all need to change and change soon. We missed the bus last decade, everything is spiraling downwards and catching the flight to the west isn’t going to change anything. How do I convince them not to study in these concise, capsulated, crash courses that just promise them everything? A change, in identity, a passport to the west, its glamor, the green bills, an escape from a drudgery and despair. They want an escapism from the poverty that drags them down , does not allow them an identity , forever bound by chains of caste and creed that simmers discontent.

I mean , when are we going to be free of these chains, they are in fact getting more marked, differences are so rampant and we fight over the silliest reasons. And, don’t even get me started on what it means to be a woman, a cow has more dignity , respect and is revered.

Teaching , talking and walking English isn’t going to deliver us to manna , nor are the aliens coming to save us , they skipped and went to save to the other galaxy .

I have a motley crew of girls who want to better their skills and I don’t have the heart to say no as anything is better than being killed, maimed , abused , debased , and just aborted for being a female and I know you feel jaded as you read this, but maybe a light may reach the cracks and we would be the change we need . Reading Rumi wont help , till we start applying his readings to .

Chill Mataji

I am currently in competition with the polar bears, no I am not referring to the pearly white complexion that is promised by UR lovely 2 (this is a fairness cream that promises to make my blemishes go) nor do I have a hairy body that has been hit because of demonetization and its after effects. I tell you, my parlor wali has upped her prices by 18 percent so I am a currently a half groomed, au naturel woman. The number of times I get to hear chill ma, chill mataji has lowered my body thermo stat to freezing and beyond.

Actually, I face like every mother a Nirupa Roy type of emotional upheaval as our children go back to university. There are no two words to this we miss them. Suddenly all the reasons to love, laugh and to find laughter to enjoy with the crazy snacking of nachos, salsa, pizza, momos, bhel puri, chaat, you name it is gone. You revert back to thinking about the calories and the crazy diet /gym routine starts.  One becomes younger, gets so involved in being with them, loving, coddling and enjoying little things with them, and just running after them to pick up dirty clothes, smelly shoes, gym clothes and the sweaty smelly hugs, one day it’s all gone. And, then you get the half a minute phone calls, the two line texts, and sometimes an instagram post that isn’t for you.

And, then you see the meme; you know I wonder why they complicate life for us. Heavens, I didn’t even know how to pronounce this word till my younger one told me. And then I figured the weird emoji language. One day all I would need is hieroglyphics, that’s why Egypt is on my list before it gets all obliterated. To make it even worse, some one made snap chat and that is beyond me absolutely.

In fact, with all the crazy, dangerous, beyond the wall addictions lurking on the Internet I am scared. One hears of the blue whale challenge and you think, oh its not going to happen India, silly me the danger is not bound by borders it’s all virtual. There are no boundaries. Kids to horrific things to each other, all for snap chat dares, someone kills a young 7 year old in a bathroom in a school in Gurgaon today.

This is all too close for comfort; the world has become too gruesome, scary. The bottom line is I worry, because the pressure is so intense and it can happen to anyone’s child, and you know as mothers we all bleed the same.

So, hearing a chill ma, don’t worry, relax yourself and mama you’re hyper and the one I get the most is you protect us thinking we are girls! 

I have four sons, all over the world and the fact that I live in four different time zones; I also thank this virtual world so I can track them! To be a permanently exhausted mombie who survives on coffee, quiet time, and books and knows winter is here is all I am and oh did I mention my superpower , we have the sharpest acutest hearing power. Let the phone ring and the smile comes ..

Trust me , this happens with us all .

Teacher's Day and Me

A day hence, the children of my school celebrated an impromptu Teachers day for me. They just wanted to put up a show and I didn’t have the heart to say no. I was fighting the mother of all colds and a throat that was croaking away just likes the village pond frogs. I sounded a cross between a foghorn and a ‘paatta dhol!

Well to say the least, the children surprised with the meaningful short play done, enacted by the children of the smaller classes where they highlighted that timely and correct intervention and discipline by the parents shaped and guided the children and they didn’t succumb to the biggest vice of all, drugs. We all have become so nonchalant and complacent in our outlook towards drugs and its tentacles that have invisibly spread that till it doesn’t home we are not bothered. There was a lot of shaking off the rug, dusting it but it’s been put back in places, the tall claims of three months and the eradication by the present government have all settled down comfortably just like my lazy dog, Sultan.

The children all dressed up in their best and then danced to a popular Punjabi song and came up with handmade cards, and a paper rose. One of them had bought me a simple blue bracelet, a pair of hair clips and an old fashioned cut a birthday card greeting and then mounted on a cardboard and presented.  A brother – sister duo presented me with a set of pens and another gave me a small vaporizer set. These are precious, and make me go all fuzzy and warm in the heart; these kids come from extremely poor back grounds, have no money to spare and must have saved up. The cards, and the simple rhymes written extolling the teacher touched me!

The icing on the cake was literally a chocolate cake from the best bakery and this meant they had all planned this in advance.

Every child has a potential to do more, we just need to give him or her the right environment. I have no formal teaching, I am no teacher, just someone who helps them and guides them to push their limits and makes them understand that gender bias is in the mind of narrow people. They understand the difference and keep on striving to do best. They also respect all religions and do not take advantage of the fact that they are given preference by the government just to sway them to vote for one political party.

I feel each one of us can be a teacher; we can all teach, impart and spread what we know to make Punjab better. Why do we have a defeatist attitude and say oh nothing can be done, we are this, and we are spiraling downward, when we accept defeat how do we expect to rise from the ashes?

Be like Fawkes the phoenix; this is thanks to the Harry Potter series written by an indomitable women JK Rowling, who never gave up, faced adversity, bankruptcy and ruin and still came to the be the strongest woman ever.

How come we have forgotten our chutzpah and only revel in by gone era, and the heroes of yesteryear? Why not make history for the coming generations, as one day you all will look into the mirror and see if you can face it. Start small, start but please start, the love and affection and the results all come back manifold. And, its not too late, if you’re reading this I know you can do it.

As one of favorite quote, “ It is our choices, Harry that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.’

So make a choice, spread education, be the crux of a developed society and see the inner glow and satisfaction !