My new diet

There is something more important than taking selfies that has taken the country by storm especially everyone in Punjab, its even more important than the Coffee with Captain, Lassi with Jagmeet, Karah with Sukhbir; no no its not the depleting water cycles nor is it the IPl or the latest Fan jokes! Every fourth post is a tip how one can lose weight! It’s just not my fault that the trend these days is to wear clothes one size small. The fashion police want us to wear jeans one size small, look like stick insects, with t-shirts that barely cover the body! Even the suits in vogue these days require some kind of an androgynous body that is so not Punjabi!

How is one supposed to have legs that resemble stick insects out of Kung Fu panda, with missing thighs (oh the paranthas of my youth that have got stuck there) and a face that has more caves and contours than the Himalayas? Even, more is the strobing and contouring that makes all the girls look miraculously thin and have sharp cheek bones so as to rival Karenna kapoor Khan. The Begum sure has me in tizzy. Don to get me started on the hair!

It all started with a podcast / clip I happened to listen where I would drink cumin water in the morning, first thing and voila it got me thinking, imagine the wonder seeds, the common jeera but spoken with an accent would melt away all those tires and love handles I had. It just made me use the emoticon of being shy all the time. One told me that drinking hot lemon cinnamon honey water twenty minutes before sleeping would do the trick. The other told me of ginger slices, and cucumber bits all thrown in a bottle of water with freshly cut thin slices of lemon would sort of just melt the fat and I would be the svelte sexy that would look like a million bucks wearing the new dress from Zara!

Imagine if it was so easy. I think if I started a movement to walk from here to China to pick the green tea leaves, I would start a movement and would have a following more than Anna or Kejriwal. In fact I think that is the only answer to physically go pluck the tea and then only there would be a dent in the weight.

This lose a kilo mania is spreading and it has even taken my pind wali bibis in its embrace. They all walk so fast in the evenings, and collectively are a terror force to be reckoned with! There is enough dust accumulated in their paths as if they are a crowd of elephants charging. Pardon the comparison but the dust clouds do tell another story. The prices of lemon, ginger and cucumber are not driven by the output or the availability it’s the new fashion to sip flavored water in fancy glass bottles which is positively charged ionized make me happy water.

Let me tell you, its all bollocks! Politely borrowing from Captain Haddock, nothing works. The jeera water, lemon honey cinnamon hot water, green or white tea all fail in front of the spoon of butter I use every morning on my sookhi missi roti, nor does the particular brand of apple cider work. Maybe they want me to submerge myself in the vinegar so maybe my osmosis there might be an exchange of fat ! I guess that was needed , to get rid of the chubby Punjabi look. Its in the genes and not the jeans.

My love affair with chocolates has literally clogged everything leading to all these drastic, Mata hari type of binges to make the scale budge , but it ain’t happening.

However, I am still downloading newer recipes , eating all sorts of yellow , green ,red , purple vegetables , along with enough dark green leafy vegetables to start my own natural emission plant . No wonder , the gases are increasing in the atmosphere and we have such an important problem on our hands. The environmentalists haven’t even begun to consider this angle. May be , here in lies my genius and a Nobel Prize is in the cans.

However, as I get off my high horse and deal with fat that mysteriously makes the seam go tighter every day , and chocolate that lures me in like a seductive siren I have to drink my bland, horrible smelly green tea with a nose high up in the air. It wouldn’t do good for a mother to not set an example.. thus I suck it up and drink this wily concoction , to dissolve the fat for a clearer skin , faster metabolism and a quicker spring.

Lord, I sound like a commercial , but I guess it’s the hope till I get hold of a miracle elixir just like Swami Ramdev or Voldemort , till then I will splinch myself into my suits , flowing to look all thin and glamorous.