Mother of All weddings

 The wedding season literally upon us , all the Chanda , Tara’s are smiling ,winking and all the auspicious dates have been lined up and I have the mother of all seasons , where from next week onwards I’m booked till post Christmas . It is just what they call it as a big fat Punjabi wedding scenario. The bigger , the better, the blinker , the shinier and the glitzier is better. Every season , we try to reinvent ourselves with bigger jewels, bling outfits , and more pictures to make memories for the instant likes knowing very well that more people will view the story than liking the post ! It’s just how we are , the voyeur in us is all out every season . 

From the invites, to snagging the best wedding invites , to the favours to the mithai to the clothes to booking the best make up artist , to the hair stylist , its a competition and blood has been shed to book them! Every season one designer becomes the favourite, and everyone makes a beeline for her or him to wear the it suit and the colours because how can one woman be ahead than the other . 

The colours are brighter than the rainbow or paler than water depending upon what is deemed as the trending colour  and men are flashy and coordinate with their turbans depending whether they are from Majha ,Malwa or Doaba ; distinct colours dominate ! They also sometimes seem stuffed in their suits , do men have corsets too? 

The problem comes for people like me who are misfits ,old and have neither a designer suit in ones name and nor is the hair golden grey . I think  Punjab has more golden hair than the Aryans of Germany . The designer bag to the designer clothes , to the shoes to the ordinary jutti all have become synonymous with style , elan and everything is tagged to have maximum exposure. Heaven forbid , you wear the same suit again its akin to committing social harakiri. 

Every wedding picture is uploaded only with a particular hashtag and that has to be unique and quirky . The ordinary and simple have no meaning anymore . Make up is to another level , one doesn’t simply get ready , one has a stylist and some one who will change the skin color and contour and highlight and sharpen or conceal any spot that might come because you might just like sitting in the sun like me or have age spots .

The cosmetics industry and the skin specialists have more arsenal ready than both the  Korean countries and can  and make you something else , you just have to shell out money ! Money makes the mare go . 

And , oh how can I forget , in the midst to get the perfect picture , there are so many takes , that one misses the actual events because the photographer is more strict and he keeps on  saying look here , please smile ! And I fail hopelessly at all this , I smile and take pictures for happiness and memory and not for the perfect angle or pose! One is supposed to thrust your pelvis at an angle , tip toe like a ballet dancer ( and we are Punjabis with hips that don’t lie ) and to angle and jut out . Growing up no one taught me that this was my right side or wrong side , I was just grateful to see as I am half blind! 

And you have to have the designer glasses to stare at people behind the dark lens and also sport a deadpan expression , have you ever seen a happy smiling picture ? Nope , just that expression akin to Morticia. All these are the rules of the Punjabi wedding ,where you arrive fashionably late , have a drink one hand , sample the wares and gossip about others , and make notes in one’s mind castle , and give the Shagun envelope where they keep on saying no but they will take it in the end.

It’s a saga with cuisines of all the world , all the wine and the liquor you can drink , with the cheese grazing table and all I crave is a good coffee amidst everyone talking about the new vegan diet ! The circus continues and we all take part in it wanting freedom but chained to the yoke .

The Speil Spell

 The spiel they sell us from ache din to badlaav aa gaya , to saving the girl child to giving the girl child an education. Teach a girl , you teach a family . I love how they write these deluded slogans and one liners to influence and to make sure we vote for the party so governments can be formed and public can be swayed . Every five years we get to choose our leaders who we think are going to deliver just like Moses and the Red Sea would part for us.  We just celebrated daughters day , I even talked about it , motivating every one but today I faced a peculiar problem . A young girl against all odds from a small village in Punjab ( Doaba) region finished her graduation in computer application . Her story is sad , tragic but she never gave up hope and against all odds her grandfather supported her and she finished her studies. To sustain herself financially she started teaching in the village school and now keep calm , and hold your horses, she gets paid Rs 500 each from two teachers every month and that further inspires her to start a business because she wants to make money .

From abject poverty , a desire to good and to be successful her competitive spirit is born , I don’t even know what to say . the system promises us everything , promises a silver lining , promises utopia and jobs . Where are the jobs ? Where is the change we are looking for ? Have we all gone myopic, that we don’t know reality?  I asked for help and a lot of the readers on a public page said that she should emigrate as there is no hope here . Some said she should join a multi national company or some-said that there were data entry operator jobs , or to join the sewa Kendra and she could make money .

Ive figured out what ails us , we are so far removed from reality in our Instagram , social media induced virtual life that we have forgotten that more than 60 recent of India”s population is rural and they do not have the knowledge, access to English , nor do they have any confidence to apply and compete with the rest . They are shy, insecure and not sure how to conduct themselves. They’re best bet is marriage. Ache din is that she as studied and has a degree that has no future now , and she would best be earning as much as a field labourer does.But , what has complicated matters is that now she has confidence and a little ego where she thinks she should earn more but she doesn’t and frustration sets in . 

How do they break the circle? In a time , where inflation is at its highest , jobs are scarce and the badlaav is limited to showcasing new and newer suits of the Cm’s wife and having a bigger entourage than the previous chief ministers . Why did the voters of Punjab be duped on a piped pipers tune of change ? Either way Rome is burning and the emperor is fiddling away a tune that isn’t new . 

My young girl will end up marrying and will bury her dreams and will end up doing business by haggling with the vegetable seller over the prices to , resurrect only when she has children of her own . This all seems far fetched , exaggerated but its not it’s how Jamtara and all others come to birth !  Despair , hunger and a desire to be better in a system that has abandoned them has given birth to the drugs epidemic . We need to save Punjab , not by mere words but by a responsible, collective and individual action .

Conversations With Biji 2

Every day I come across these quotes and lines by people , philosophers, poets and sometimes lines made by smart copy writers which do offer solace and make sense, they always do by the way , but to practice what we’re preaching is so difficult . I just remembered I can’t use any French words . 

When you walk into doors , tables and furnitures like I do , you get physically hurt , there is pain and more than often a bruise is left , a mark is there . And that fades with time and you get better and there is a mental check in your mind  where you don’t let it happen or as in my  case its still happening . I meet furniture , doors and just about anything . My poor knees are testament to it , they are creaking .

But , there is a side of us , that is hurt by others words ,actions and there is no way we can quantify them . I mean you can’t say oh I was hurt a kilo by her , or the betrayal cost me 5 tons or it took up space as much as my home. There isn’t any measure when we are hurt , betrayed or our trust is broken , there is undeniable pain . A mark that is invisible , just like the Death Eaters . 

However, the reaction to this , the getting angry , the planning of revenge , that is beyond pain , that is suffering . I don’t mean physical covert harm to the other here . We are not talking of MI5 here , or any other histrionics , I am talking about what goes in our mental frame work. We start with , I am in pain . I have been mistreated , I deserve more .

Look how , the I becomes foremost , when we start talking to ourselves. The mental commentary that we are having in our mind glorifies the ego and it creeps in and we start to wallow in self pity . If you have been harmed , no doubt that what happened was wrong , but the way you react to the situation in your head makes it worse . Now you are suffering because you can’t stop thinking about it . We go back to the incident or moment again and again and self pity sets in . All those creepy clingy emotions of the past come forth and take dominance and because we are feeding the negativity , it becomes bigger . 

Here , is where one has to stop. Count your blessings , be positive , instead of glorifying our ego and aggravating and enhancing the pain.  I don’t wish to be sanctimonious or superior in anyway , trust me I get mad and feel the pain just as much as you do and maybe am a bigger softie than all of you combined . I cry at the drop of the hat . 

You always have a choice to look at things differently and to deal with it because what I have  learnt in these years is that only you and only you will walk in your shoes , and you get to live it . So choose , wisely . Pain comes from harm , but suffering is how we choose to deal with the pain . Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

A lot of times, people won’t choose you , or will feel youre not good enough or they will have some grudge against you , you can’t fix them , you change your reaction to them . This is my take and as always we can either use this or skip !

Ps : This gyaan has been sponsored by a perfect cup of Hazel nut coffee, post covid amnesia , and gray hair .

Whats in a name?

In this day and age where we live virtually and have our identities carved by the names that are given , the trend is to have small syllable names ,more exotic the better and the roots are Persian or Islamic and sometimes just plain funny . In olden times , our names used to be kept by a pandit or a Bhaiji and that too after an elaborate naming ceremony where the alphabet would be taken from a specific religious line that came in regards to the child . This is too old fashioned and archaic for the times today and has been discontinued or manipulated to keep a foot in both time ; old and new. However, my village is still stuck in the old ages where name are kept the ones they proudly display on the Aadhar card but there are parallel names that are the real identity. The names all have such interesting history behind them , a Bladder , Phunny , Lutta , Latan , Tunda , Dhunda , Nehri. Titu the vakeel, D C , bola 26.

In a world where we are label each other as being as fair or dark , thin or fat , names are kept on what they are , and they stick as glue . Bladder is a milkman , and the story goes when his mother was pregnant with him , she was sewing footballs , hence the name bladder for him . She was the fastest , quickest worker , and the name was in english. Phunny because , he was fun loving when he went to school , and he used to crack jokes , it’s a different story that he is now a poker faced old man in hi slate 70’s now. Lutta is our handyman , with green fingers and when he was born to Aziz the tractor driver everything was lost , hence lutt Gaya . 

Latan , was the biggest land allottee of the area , she had the largest piece of land to her name and was the terror of the district ! 

Tunda and Dunda became grand fathers but their names were because of the body deformities .. I cant even begin to tell you about the ladies. Each has a particular name that was synonymous to her because of her youth and her nature . DC , Nehri  are all names because of their quick wit and style of working.

In an age where we are worried about labels of being fat , ugly , dark or fair of tall or short or body shaming is done, these names are more realistic and grounded .I grew up reading Shakespeare and the cheesy lines boys would use trying to impress girls, ‘A rose by any other name would smell sweet “ . The reference is used to state that the names of things do not affect what they really are . We all strive for perfection and Romeo would still be the same if his name was any different . 

Today’s world we are all trying to be something else because of unreal standards set by a world that doesn’t exist and is computer generated , or is a fantasy algorithm.I’m surrounded and am also guilty sometimes where it is kinder to have a filter sometimes , as we all like to be fair , have a chiseled face or have the trendy name . We don’t make them simple anymore , the cultural shift has happened where we are choosing unique names to be individual , to be different , and to be non conformist . This is to carve an identity , to foresee or to hope that an unique sounding name would make for a better life in the future . Apparently , an increase in common names meant of that generation correlated to the lower unemployment rates on both national and state levels.

This shift ,transition will see names like Narinder , Jatinder and Balbir be replace d by Nitika , Kashvi and Nyra … who would you call for an interview ? The names to shock in the west area different story ! Till then , I hope my name aka Biji stays .and , would you date a Kiara or a Kavita ? 

 

Conversations with BIji

Conversations with Biji

Why the name Biji? I don’t know it just stuck when my classmates started calling me this , maybe because I am an old soul and love talking about old fashioned stuff ,like religion or spirituality or feel that the era gone by was better where we still valued ethics, morals , traditions and also maybe that I have this side where I value Babaji or God more than anything else.  I started talking first on Spotify and then on Instagram and reaching out to people has been a blessing since a year. 

We all are at crossroads trying to live in this mad paced world where we are trying to keep up appearances and are caught up with the pretentiousness of a world that is projected . The damage that is done to our psyche because of what a perfect man or a perfect woman should be or how we should be because of the image that is broadcasted on billboards , social media and is presented as a false outlook to life.

Everyday , our accounts because remember we are so attached to our phone that is a third arm , that we get images how we should be ; perfect skin , perfect ass , perfect body , perfect hair, and how we should fit into a perfect mood .

Why are we never told that we are fine the way we are? We are given sermons to be just the way we are ; but with such a white lie and a rider that we should fit into the mould that society , our parents , spouse, siblings , friends want us to be. Try showing a spine , try telling them no , try telling them you wont do this or try telling them that you want your space, you are most likely to be told you’re difficult , stubborn , egotistical ,or are having your periods or having pms or are frigid. 

They have all terms for us , but none will try to understand you. It’s like you know that advertisement where they are trying to sell stocks and shares but a small line says at the bottom : subject to market conditions . 

The market conditions is what we are facing, many times I am considered ancient , old and not fashionable because I don’t drink , my favorite poison is coffee or water . I wear clothes that are me ,  a salwar suit and a chunni that isn’t taken in the right way . My hair isn’t streaked or all over r the place or isn’t cut Ina way that is flattering its tighter than a hangman’s noose and then the pressures to have a perfect skin. 

How about we start admitting t ourselves that its ok to be not ok? It’s ok to be just the way you are, all shades of chai and coffee and we make the best mix.

As a young child , boys and girls unknowingly , subconsciously hear about their color, they hear about the nose , the hair and that permeates into their minds and they start believing that if they were a certain color or had straighter hair they would be liked , loved. Appreciated more.

Isn’t that the universal dilemma ? We all want universal approval because that is what we all desire and need ; a certain shabaashi to  cater to all  , to be the cynosure of every eye . Even people who say no they don’t run after this , have a reverse psychology at  play .

Our mind forever wants to be appreciated , and the physical aspect is the easiest way . Here the mad race to be perfect comes in , sardar men cut their hair because they aren’t fashionable or physically appealing  to women , hence they would cut their hair but tie the turban because it looks more royal! The beard is trimmed in certain way , we all stand guilty of this ,  I am merely speaking it aloud.

Next time , you comment on someone remember the damage your negative comment can do .

We all want this quick 21 day result oriented life where we can get a newer body , tighter skin , perfect everything . A short cut to everything but this all takes work , hard work.Being born takes 9 months so what is the hurry in this change, be kinder to yourself is my mantra .No one is going to be kind, no one is going to give you the place , no one is going to bother . Just re affirm , tell yourself its ok if you’re abit over weight you’ve born the ravages of time , you’ve given birth , nurtured a baby , don’t be  in a rush . This is for women as society is more cruel , unforgiving to us , heaven forbid you don’t wish to color your hair , or have some extra fat .. why is the onus on us ? Don’t men wish to be healthy or is it acceptable to have a beer gut and a paunch just because?

Please get up in the morning and hug yourself tight , be kind to yourself , tell yourself , repeat that you’re perfect in the way you are , and you’ve got all this figured out and if the game plan eludes you , lets try that tomorrow . There isn’t a rush , a deadline , we all have our different paths , some achieve it early some 5 years  later , some don’t . It’s ok , you know what bothers one the most , its the voice in the head . The one that creeps in , nudges , disturbs and makes you question everything and makes you doubt yourself . It’s like in the darkest of the hours , or the wee hours of the morning it will nudge and start whispering in your ear , and then we start to lose our confidence . You will say you’re confident and you’ve got it all figured but sometimes being smug is also the downfall .  Many a times, a false bravado, makes us want to cover up everything because facing what we really feel is peeling away to many layers and its better to just have the perfect exterior .

Trust me , if its last thing you’d read here , its ok to share , to voice the small doubt or the mountains you’re carrying alone. That is why the word Biji came by and when we talk and talk aloud we must tings get better .

Part 2 tomorrow.. 

 

The Case of the ordinary glasses

    It all started with choosing a pair of glasses that would aid my increasing age and decreasing eyesight . I’m literally blind as a bat and can’t save my life if I don’t wear them and with this intense heat and sultry weather they just keep on sliding down . I have a weird nose as some say , thankfully its never been broken and if it had I would have been able to lodge the glasses there .  So , I’m looking for the perfect pair which doesn’t need to be blended to fit !

I went to the stores , fancy one where they make you download the app and everything is paper free and is OTP generated .  They even serve coffee to save the soul when you’re getting frustrated waiting for your turn. All the salesman walk around with their gadgets , and make you virtually check how your face would be with the glasses on . 

This all was so so new, I wanted the comfort of my old guy who make you try all the glasses. Here , you can look but don’t touch and they take out the frames slowly and slowly just like the ache din that are coming .

And, then they confuse simple village folk like me with their fancy schmancy terms , like the type of lens that one should use , it should be light , plastic , non breakable, UV resistant , blue light resistant , wouldn’t fog , and the brand . Coupled with this , its the designer frame , and heaven forbid you might say that you need a simple steel fram e, the old fashioned kinds with those little pads to stick to your nose ..

Trust me , he looked as if I was as old as the dinosaurs and didn’t belong to this era . I was dressed in the wrong clothes , and was asking for the wrong glasses and wanted a discount .

This age , this time , its de rigeour to just walk in , buy the designer glass frames and the fancy lenses and swipe the card and walk off with a message on your phone . Asking for a simple frame , with glasses that stay up where they are supposed to and also to haggle is a no -no . You’re frowned up as if you’re the goblin from Gringott’s and a mix of Gulati Sundi!

And the icing on the cake is if you ask for cheap glasses . No , no they don’t do them anymore, however my membership would enable free service, discounts and referrals . Do these even count? I wonder where the older shops and Uncleji’s have gone where they had pictures of Rajesh Khanna , Vinod Khanna , Parveen Babi , Zeenat Aman looking all glamorous in their glasses and one wanted to be like them ! Now , the chiseled torsos , picture perfect hair  and the contoured skin speaks of artificial beauty that suffices for an Instagram tag ! 

My woes are simple , I need glasses that stay put ( alas I have no Hermoine here ) and also the ones that don’t fog up instantly when I wear a mask .. the troubles of old age have started and I still have to write about my aching joints and stubborn grey hair!

The tiny changes and me

 I  am al l for reading  as you  know, I can read just about anything apart from horror !And , have stayed away from  self  help books or inspirational ones , I think it was hubris and ego that I felt I knew it   all but as the old adage , pride hath a fall. I thought I knew everything and sanctimoniously could explain these books. I always assumed that there would be a misfortune and man /woman would emerge victorious after struggles and overcoming all suffering . 

Then one fine day , I came across a story on Instagram and I read the lines and went and tracked the author . And , I did what every person does on the planet , I started following the author , and signed up for his free newsletter . It was easy and i started reading it and following it all . The book , Atomic Habits written by James Clear , which is about how tiny changes , lead to remarkable results . It is the tiny minuscule changes in our routine , our mindset , our outlook that we can make changes in our life . He clearly says the 1 % change is required . It is a fascinating book and is easy to read and follow . What appealed to me is that we can train our mind to become better , it all starts with one change . One more page , five more minutes of work , two more push ups , walking 200 steps more , all focus to becoming better , and these results don’t show overnight but over time he writes and illustrates how the improvement is .

Why did I change ? What made me react to this book more than others ? I call this karmic , all things that happen in our lives are aligned to occur at a certain time , which is predestined in lien with the higher consciousness . It sounds contradictory , that I advocate these changes and also submit to Him , but He also says that as beings we have to constantly strive to be better and also be productive . .

If there is one thing I would add to this book is , to take a pen and paper , write your thoughts down , make lists , don’t procrastinate over this , now is the moment , visualising the goal makes it seem closer and then achieving it by changing oneself step by step leads to the reform .

I always shy away from writing ,and have a million open tabs in my mind where I am writing and making up stories but I seldom pen them down , always deferring myself with unnecessary scrolling or something which is always more important ; it could be dusting too ! 

But since I read this , I promised myself two articles a week , and hence the first one is dedicated to this book , how the tiny things lead to transformation . Maybe , one day the Hogwarts letter might come because I might be wizard worthy .